How long is too long…?

In the last few weeks I’ve had to deal with a ton of exams and housing related stress (finally found someone to rent the 2nd bedroom of the apartment I used to share with my ex).  All things considered I think I’ve handled the stress fairly well.  I know some of my classmates are not dealing with the stress as well, but I haven’t had any breakdowns, haven’t panicked over marks, nothing like that.  And given I’ve already written 8 exams and write my 9th in 3 weeks Friday morning and have had no commitments aside from studying in the last few weeks, my brain is starting to become addled from the constant studying.  

However, lately I’ve been thinking almost constantly about my ex.  I assume it’s because of the whole, moving his stuff out of the apartment, and someone else moving in plus stress of exams, but it’s driving me crazy.  It’s been 5 months since we broke up, it was a 3 year relationship and it ended really roughly, but you’d think by now I ought to be able to sleep in my bed without keeping a laptop and various other things on one side so that it’s not too big.  I don’t even know what’s going on in my brain lately.  I went through therapy after we broke up because I don’t have a lot of experience handling sadness, and I thought I was doing really well, but it just seems to have decided to kick my ass in the last week.  

I did all the right things after we broke up.  I got rid of all his stuff (well, I put it in the other bedroom and I never go in there), stopped talking to him, went to the gym, felt okay about myself.  Realistically I don’t see myself being with him anymore, so why is this torturing me still?  It’s not like I’m lying in bed crying or something, but I just feel lost.  This is so stupid.  I can’t talk to my friends about it because a) I feel like I’m just bothering them and b) they are sick of hearing about it after the break up got drawn out over 2 months.  So now I’m venting on the internet, because I’ve run out of people to talk to, and I don’t know how to deal with this stuff on my own.  I’m a super happy person, always have been (except for the years of depression, but hell that’s just the teenage years), and I don’t know how to process the level of sadness I felt because of our breakup.  Obviously the answer is just time, but it’s been 5 months, and I still feel like this.

Ha, my mind’s in the gutter, I saw the title I made this post and my first thought was “there’s not such things as too long”.  

Thanks for reading, sorry to be so depressing.

Inner Beauty?

There’s this video that has been circulating the internet by Dove.  I’ll post a link below.  If you haven’t seen it, it’s basically a forensic artist who draws women without seeing them first based on their descriptions of themselves, and then based on a description by someone who knows them.  Invariably the picture described by the other person is prettier, and the women are shocked by how they perceive themselves.

Now, a lot of positive things have been said, about how women need to be less harsh on themselves, and how we are our own worst critics.  The quote that I heard that most disturbed me, was a woman who said, in response to the question of what was her most prominent feature, that her chin was very prominent.  I can’t remember the exact quote (sorry!) but it was in a negative connotation towards her appearance.  Before she had answered I was wondering that about myself, and I thought of two.  I have very prominent eyes, though they are somewhat deepset, they are what I would refer to as ‘happy eyes’ (I actually remember in grade 7 when the teacher was asking for what makes up beauty, that was my response ‘happy eyes’, while everyone else in my class was talking about makeup and body types).  I also have very prominent cheekbones.  I think these are two lovely features about my face, and those would be what I described to someone asking about me.  

I don’t want to give the impression that I think I have this gorgeous face, not by any means. I personally don’t know what would be considered ugly about my features, because I’ve never cared about that!  Oh I guess my sister and mom constantly harp about my eyebrows, because I refuse to pluck/wax them to societies accepted shape/size.  I suppose that would be considered negative, but I don’t care, because I think that I am a beautiful person on the inside, and if my outer shell isn’t perfect, it doesn’t matter, because I believe inner beauty shines through, especially through the eyes.  I guess that’s why I think my eyes are a prominent feature, because they’re not a stunning colour etc, but I have smiling eyes, and that’s what I notice about people’s features.  But this is an issue I am constantly battling with my mother about, who doesn’t see inner beauty in people the same way I do, and who has for as long as I can remember tried to force me to be different.  Her entire side of her family is like that, it makes me sad.

I read a blog where someone was harping on the Dove video for perpetuating the belief that beauty is necessary in life.  I’ll also link that below.  I though it was very interesting, and I admit I didn’t get that feeling from the video itself, but I agree.  I think that the Dove video is important to emphasize that we are too hard on ourselves, but the more important factor that is left untouched is that inner beauty is the most important factor in our day-to-day lives.  There are beautiful people out there who have ugly personalities.

I think what’s important is to remember that no matter what your external appearance is, you are more beautiful than you realize, and you are a lovely person, no matter what your body looks like.

Sorry if this was somewhat rambly, I hope it made some sense.

Holy crap I started a blog

So since I got dumped last semester, I’ve found that all the stuff I would normally say to my ex, I now keep bottled up inside and it really wants to be said.  I figured I’d start a blog and see if telling the internet about my life would help.  Now, you’re probably thinking, this girl seems really lonely or like a crazy cat lady.  Both of which could be true, if I wasn’t horribly allergic to cats and if I didn’t hate to be around people.  So no, not lonely, just alone.  

I’m in my second year of vet school, and let me tell you, the schoolwork is a bitch, but I love it.  I’m good at tests.  Talking to people, not so much.  I also play hockey with my class, I play soccer in the summer, and I knit year round.  I decided to measure how I’ve handled my break up in terms of what I’ve knit.  While, since being dumped I’ve knit 2 sweaters (starting the 3rd now), 3 pairs of socks, 1 pair of sleeveless gloves, 2 hats (one of which included a beard) and a pair of handcuffs.  Oh and like 20 tiny mittens for christmas ornaments.  I’m not sure if I’ve gotten faster at knitting, or I’m just so depressed that nothing else is motivating me.  Therefore I bought an x-box.  I figure it’ll keep me busy.